From a Full Heart

I’ve been thinking about updating this blog for days, but thinking is all I have done. My heart is full right now and I want to get it on “paper.”

You know, it doesn’t matter what is on my heart at any given moment, I keep coming back to “surrender.” Whether I am considering issues related to my marriage, my sons, my family or friends, my walk with God, my health, or even my own sins, it ALL comes back to the very same thing! I must SURRENDER to God! I am HIS! He bought me with His own blood and my life is not my own to do with as I please! None of it is about me!

If it was about me, I wouldn’t have Celiac Disease. I’d be able to eat what I pleased and it not make me sick (and I’d never gain weight either!). But it isn’t. God has allowed this in my life because He loves me. He knows that it is one more way to teach me to be like Him, to surrender to Him and His will for me. He knows it is going to be difficult at times and that I won’t LIKE it at times. So what am I going to do when I don’t like it? Am I going to dishonor Him and complain that this is something I get to deal with till I die? Am I going to disregard the new path He has before me and just eat as I please, knowing that I am doing damage to my body, His temple? Every time I pass a slice of “healthy” whole wheat bread piping hot out of the oven and slathered in butter – I can dream, can’t I? – what honors Him? Surrendering to what He has laid out for ME.

What will I do when someone I love hurts me, when someone I love chooses a path that is detrimental to their walk with God, when someone very close to me dies, when someone I love has some evil done to them that they will deal with for the rest of their lives. These are those hard things that I cannot change, the things I have absolutely NO control over whatsoever. How do I surrender to these? How do I deal with the pain, the grief, the loss? What does that look like? We want the pain to go away, the clock to turn back, the loss to be restored. But those ways don’t require me to surrender, do they? In order for me to surrender, I have to give over my control to someone else. I have to place the reins in the hands of the only One who knows which way to lead my horse. Hey, maybe I AM the horse! I could run wild with THAT word picture! And I probably will…soon…but the key now is that I surrender to the One in the saddle and allow Him to lead me where I need to go. If that means He leads me into a dark valley filled with pain, then I cannot crumple under the weight. I am carrying my Savior and those around me should see HIM, not me. I need to carry Him in a way that shows I trust Him every step of the way. It doesn’t mean the dark valley will not leave it’s mark on me. But those marks must not overshadow His glory! I must let those around me see Him caring for me, for my marks, even for the scars that will never go away. He is the One who brings me healing and all eyes, though possibly on me for a moment, must be drawn to Him.

Can a person go through that valley and bring Him praise? Can a wife deal with the loss of a spouse by divorce or even death and honor the Lord? Can a mother still glorify God even if one of her children chooses to allow sin to ruin his or her life? Can a parent praise God even though He allowed harm to come to their child? The answer is always a resounding YES! That is the point! We must surrender to His will, even when it allows deep pain in our lives. Why? Because it is not about us…it’s about HIM! To God be the glory!

I have more in my heart, but my eyelids are not cooperating very well. I’ll surrender to the sleepiness and go climb into bed. Before I do I want to thank you all for your prayers over the last week and a half. I am definitely seeing improvement in my health. It is slow and I need to be so very diligent on this journey. I had a reaction yesterday to something and I’m still recovering from it. But we are stepping forward instead of backwards…at least for today. My gut is much happier and the rest of me will heal at a pace only the Lord knows. It will likely be slow, but how wonderful to be able to surrender to His plan, although it is inconvenient, and bring healing to my body. I’m hoping to actually FEEL 45 instead of 85 in the near future!