I am laying here, needing to go to bed, thinking about Andrew in the next room…old enough to go out of town with the youth from church for a few days…one more year of high school. Samuel is in Alaska, maybe coming down with something…regardless, feeling like crud up there by himself. I don’t WANNA not be a mom any more! I want them to need me. I want to rub their back when they feel sick. I want to rub the hair…that is too long in my opinion but who cares…on Samuel’s head because he loves that…being he’s all touchy feely. I want to go in his old room and see HIS stuff, not mine. I want to be able to keep both of them by my side, like I used to need to do at the store…holding onto the cart so they don’t get separated from me.
Yesterday I was at Target and this gal was there with her precious little boy. He was very independent and although he wasn’t more than two or three years old, he was walking on his own rather than riding in the cart. He was generally following her around like he should, but at this particular moment, she wanted to veer down a certain aisle and called him to follow her. He stayed where he was, a couple aisles down, engrossed in a display of “Slip n Slide” type water toys. I immediately got a picture of the boys in my head, not at that age, but older…goofy glasses that I thought were cool enough at the time, teeth all jutted out needing braces…I think it’s actually a memory of a photograph that I meshed into my current scene. That’s been happening a lot lately, me thinking back and “seeing” them when they were young, but in my immediate setting. Anyway, this kid starts calling his mom. I was afraid to walk away, in case he decided he’d go another direction altogether and they would get separated. I took it as my responsibility to keep an eye on him…to protect him. He was fine and they got back in the same place very quickly, but I just couldn’t let him walk away without knowing his mother could SEE him.
Boy, do I wish that was me! I so wish they were that age again. I so wish I could change some things, protect them better in certain areas. I’m not sure I WANT to cook for just two people in this house! I mean…how on earth do you do THAT? I don’t mind if they leave their whiskers on the bathroom counter! (maybe I should start collecting ’em, ya think?)
I guess I get to surrender this too. I’m so glad His mercies are new every morning! I’m so glad that I’ll feel like an idiot tomorrow when I realize that I actually posted this nonsense on my blog! I’m an idiot that loves the Lord, loves my husband and loves my sons dearly. God knows every inch of my idiotic heart and how much I hurt. He knows how to make it all better too, and for that, I am grateful.